Back in the dez and it’s that nutty time of year again – Coachella!!!! Where every hipster on the planet descends on La Quinta for two weekends in a row. Think massive amounts of young men and women who look like they walked out of the same clothing store. Flower crowns, jorts, fringe crop tops, huge aviator sunglasses, jumpers and gold and silver fake tattoos. Yes , it’s like Woodstock all over again but with multiple stages playing indie and mainstream music. Along with multiple tents playing house and electronica deep Into the night.
What makes Coachella a cluster fuck is what a shit show the town turns into. Tons of security at Ralph’s Grocery store, cops on every corner and 100’s of Uber drivers from LA cruise into town to meet the needs of thousands of drunk, stoned and mollied kids! And what they still haven’t figured out yet is how to increase cellular bandwidth to manage the estimated daily attendance of 99,000 people. Can you imagine all of the photos, snap chat, text and browsing data being used during this festival?? Think about Shaq having sex with a midget, it just doesn’t fit. You get the picture! There is no way to manage all of that data going through the pipes and phone speeds fall to a crawl. So if your Uber driver shows up to get you but your map shows he’s 10 minutes away, you’ll know why.
Talking about Uber – most Uber drivers wrap there interiors in plastic to manage the amount of completely FUBAR’d customers they drive around. Every possible bodily fluid is thrown around in the back of these cars. It’s a DNA cess pool so they have to be able to throw bleach and hose out their vehicles every night! The stories these guys tell after the festival is priceless.
So if your attending the festival here are a few handy tips from your good friend Jim.
- Have a bandana to wear over you nose and mouth, it gets windy and the micro dust of the desert will make you and feel like you did bong hits of sand and did rails of it off the pavement.
- Wear a hat, and bring a shit load of block, temps are always over 90 degrees and you will feel it.
- Drink a shit load of water, dehydration sets in quick.
- Hand sanitizer – and wet wipes, bring them. Trust me, you’ll eventually run into a stumbling sweaty, slobbering, vomiting zombie and you’ll be glad you won’t have to bathe in a sink.
- And most of all manage your buzz – When your 2 tabs in, start feeling weird and Ben UFO comes on, control your excitement and pogo height because you will pass out!
So ……don’t worry about me I’ll be sitting right here sucking on lagers, with my pool, bathroom and kitchen in close proximity. Not worrying about the dust bowl hippie apocalypse going down 2 miles from me. Have a good time Kale, Juniper, Lilac and Zelda , you cute little hipsters!! Peace!
If you like stories about the desert check out this story about a landmark restaurant near the Coachella grounds, Cactus Jacks.