Nashville, Nashville … where do I start? The history, the music, the bars, and, of course, the food. Before my trip I wouldn’t have said I wasnt into honky-tonks, but with this trip I’ve developed a newfound appreciation for country twang … OK, a minor newfound appreciation.
I do love venturing into towns to see what’s new, what’s changed, and what’s stayed the same. So, I’m visiting Nashville and exploring all the various districts, from East, West, Germantown, and the Gulch—a section of downtown Nashville that reminds me of San Francisco’s South of Market (SOMA) restaurant and nightlife district. Back in the 1930s, Nashville’s Gulch was home to one of the biggest train hubs in the U.S., and it’s currently undergoing a major transformation, just like SOMA did 15-20 years ago.
Historically, the Gulch was an industrial area, but over the past five-to-six years it’s had a major makeover, with condominiums, restaurants, shops, and offices—and the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville Convention Center, and Bridgestone Arena all just minutes away.
One of the things I love most about the Gulch is the old industrial buildings, re-purposed as breweries and restaurants. I’m spending my visit checking out Jackalope Brewing Company, Flying Saucer Draught Emporium, and Yazoo Brewing.
Today, Jackalope Brewing is holding a “peach beer day,” featuring four peach-related brews, food carts, and oversized games of Jenga in its parking lot. Yazoo Brewing is serving up Gerst Amber Ale, a bit of Nashville brewing history dating back to 1893. And then there’s Flying Saucer Draught Emporium, a chain brew pub with 200-plus beers on tap, similar to Yard House in the West. All three places have great tasting rooms, food, and beer selections. I recommend checking any or all of them out next time you’re in town.
After hitting the breweries, tossing back multiple beers, and feeling quite happy, I’ve had my fill and have to piss. There’s a direct mathematical correlation between beer and piss: you drink and then you pee, and if you drink a lot, you make a lot of trips to the bathroom. With more than a few beers under my belt, it’s time to hit the head.
I walk into the bathroom and toward the urinals and notice that there are only two urinals and one of them is being used. I take position at the open urinal and look down at the floor and—the horror—the guy next to me is wearing flip flops. I’m standing there staring at the wall, deep in thought, and it hits me. What in the fuck is this idiot doing? Flip flops are for the beach, not every day wear. How is having your feet hanging out considered acceptable and hygienic?
Ladies, since you don’t have dicks, maybe you’re not aware of this, but male-style peeing isn’t always a tidy activity. If you’re a wife or have boys, this isn’t news; boys make messes when they pee. We’re not always in control of the direction of the flow, and the piss stream can easily go astray. So, the guy next to me is pissing on his own feet, and I’m also assisting, creating a fucking ghetto nasty rain forest affect. Think of the fake lighting/thunder/rain at your local Safeway over the carrots and celery. Fucking absolutely nasty, so much so that I almost stop peeing just to help the poor guy out, but I decide to keep going. If the guy is dumb enough to wear flip flops, he deserves a pee misting and to walk out with some of my DNA attached to him.
Hey, dumbass men: Don’t wear fucking flip flops if you plan on going out to eat, drink, and use public bathrooms. You can always wash your hands, but getting your feet in the sink … not so easy. Maybe you could order a couple shots of vodka afterward and use them to sanitize your urine-covered feet.
And ladies, next time your guy shows up dressed in his dinner flip flops, give him a good swift kick in the balls and send him back for more appropriate footwear. Otherwise, he could have a Chia pet growing on his feet by the end of the night, ready to climb into bed with you and rub those fuckers all over your nice, clean sheets. Disgusting!
If you liked that story, check out this one on some strange food in Nashville – Koolickle